ACK! Run away!
by Onirei Kirara
Summary: With Kaoru gone, Kenshin is forced to protect himself from his large fanclub. Includes pouty Shishio, typical lovestruck Sanosuke, and Yahiko talking about Aoshi's 'kodachi'. EveryonexKenshin, some Kaoru bashing.


**Well, let me just say this is nuts. XD It's based off of something that my sister and I made up, but she refuses to write with me. :(**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin. But I want to ownhim. AND HIS SOCKS!**

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**Chapter One: The Horrors Begin**

It is a grand, fine, wonderful, happy-happy day in Kenshinland. Or Tokyo, whichever you prefer. Kaoru is missing, presumed dead, Kenshin is washing laundry, Yahiko is eating canned beans, and Megumi has been hit by a steamroller. While a tragic occurrence, this leaves Sanosuke with nothing to do but what he does best—think about Kenshin.

"_Oh no! Mustard stains are the toughest of all! How's Kenshin going to pull through this time? Damn Yahiko! He just **HAD **to have another hot dog! Hmm, Kenshin sure does look good in pink..hehe…"_

Err, yeah. Let's leave Sanosuke to his own devices and see what Kenshin is thinking.

"_Well, Yahiko certainly loves hot dogs, that he does! Ah, uh-oh, I think I scrubbed a hole right through it. Whoops."_

Relatively boring and Kenshin-like. What about Yahiko?

"_MAN I love baked beans! This is my 45th can! Whoa—crap, I gotta go to the bathroom! Wait a minute, we only have an outhouse! NOOOOOOO!"_

….Well, let's skip ahead to later on in the day.

--

"Well, that was a HORRIBLE baked bean incident!" Kenshin commented cheerfully.

"Uh-huh, whatever you say Kenshin," Sanosuke replied dreamily, fancy dancing flowers forming a background behind him.

But of course, Kenshin doesn't notice.

Then, the phone rang! (Don't ask me how they have one. No, I mean it, don't. DON'T!)

Kenshin picked up the receiver. "Hello? This is the Kamiya Kasshin Dojo."

"Hey, Kenshin! Guess what I got!" A baritone voice—err, squealed from the other end.

Kenshin's eyes narrowed. "Shishio, I thought I told you to stop calling me."

"Well, this is the last time, I promise. Now guess what I got!"

Kenshin sighed. "New bandages?"

"HOW'D YOU KNOW?" Shishio barked angrily. "Hmph. Well, guess what's different about them."

"They have a hoodie attached…?" Kenshin guessed, absentmindedly twirling the phone cord around his index finger.

"…. WAHH! I HATE YOU!" The phone slammed down on the other end.

The red-haired rurouni shrugged. "Well, that was weird.." he commented, hanging up the receiver. Then he realized the cord was still wrapped around his finger.

"_OH NO! Kenshin's in trouble!" _Sanosuke thought frantically. "Don't worry Kenshin! I'll save you! FUTAI NO HIRU—crap, what's the rest again?"

Kenshin sweatdropped. "Ah, Sanosuke, I already got it out. I'm fine, that I am."

"Oh..right.." Sanosuke pouted, and went off to angst in the corner about not being able to help Kenshin.

Then, the phone rang again! And Kenshin answered it! And millions of yaoi fangirls are out their writing SLASHY stories a lot better then mine RIGHT NOW! But that's not important.

(sniffle)

Anyways, Kenshin answered the phone.

"What are you wearing?" Shishio purred seductively.

"I have a restraining order on you, you know!" Kenshin growled into the receiver.

"Okay, OKAY! Sheesh! I just wanted to tell you I forgive you. And I am HOT! I mean, if you lick your finger and touch me, it will sizzle. No, seriously, it will."

Kenshin groaned and hung up.

--

Yeah, by now you're probably wondering how it is that Shishio is alive and extremely QUEER. The truth is, I don't know. But Kamatari and Soujiro will be thrilled. (I'm not implying anything, nope.) I'm not sure Yumi would be too happy, though, but she's still dead. Hey, that's how it works.

ILOVESOUJIROANDHAKUYAYAY!

--

"So, you have finally come seeking advice from me," Yahiko declared airily, perched upon a few high pillows.

"Err, yes, great Buddha Yahiko sorcerer—person." Sanosuke confirmed, bowing low.

Yahiko took a long drag off of a fancy cigarette. "Yes, well, you've made the right choice. Now excuse me for a moment; I've never smoked before so I need to go wheeze."

Yahiko opened the paper door and stepped outside.

"COUGH HACK WHEEZE! REPEAT!"

"That's much better," he declared, stepping back inside. "Now, what do you need my help with?"

"Well.." Sanosuke began, chewing on his lower lip. "I have a feeling I'm not the only guy out there who likes Kenshin."

"Ah, yes. Aoshi hooking his kodachi into Kenshin's belt loop and pulling his pants down was a COMPLETE accident. And let's not forget about Shishio's little—love bite." Yahiko smirked, and went to take another drag, but decided against it. "Haha, 'kodachi', haha, that sounds dirty!"

"You're being _a lot_ of help.." Sanosuke twitched.

"I know, I'm awesome, aren't I?"

--

"MASTER! I NEED HELP!" Kenshin shrieked into the phone, then dropped his voice to a whisper. "Many people are stalking me. I thought Kaoru was bad, but it turns out she was keeping everyone away! I mean, Shishio will NOT STOP telling me about his hoodie (not to mention other things!), that he won't!"

Hiko coughed. "Well, that's….very interesting, Kenshin, but can you call back later? I'm…sort of busy."

Kenshin's face twisted into a grimace. "EW! Master, that's disgusting!"

"I'M FOLDING LAUNDRY, YOU DUMB APPRENTICE!"

"..Right."

_­--TBC--_

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**XD I wrote this at 5:00 AM Friday morning, so it's INSANE! But review anyways! PUH-LEEZ!**


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